post script

"...Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse... "





"...Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?"

Selectionsfrom "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, by T. S. Eliot

(source)

I spent several months worrying about what would happen before I "force[d] the moment to its crisis" and decided that hiding wasn't worth it anymore. I had to face the moment, had to stop worrying, and had to start talking. I was terrified. I still am, every time I speak. Every time I choose honesty and to say "no, that's not who I am. I am not one of the believers, try as I did, I am not one of them," I am afraid of what will happen.


I am afraid that my honesty and my choice to expose scarred and hurting pieces of myself to the outside world will be rewarded with rejection and more pain.


And I have learned that this wasn't an unfounded fear. I have had to face the fact that my opinion, no matter how hard I try to make it acceptable, is as light as a feather and as welcome as a blizzard. Who I am is not acceptable. People would rather me lie--people who speak highly of honesty, people who taught me to be honest--than to be honest about my differences.


Here's the thing. This isn't an overnight change. I spent my childhood confused and hurting, and my teenage years ignoring the creeping feeling of failure. I tried and I tried and I tried, but I am not wired for belief. I felt so broken and out of place. I couldn't accept myself, so I ignored it for as long as I could. So that I wouldn't lose my culture or my religious home.


But I couldn't keep it up for forever. Eventually I had to take the key and find out what was inside me. And then I had to work it out, and eventually accept myself for who I am.


So now everything's upside down. I'm finally square with myself, and I've disappointed everyone outside of me. I've lost my cultural and religious home. I mourn it with painful tears late at night, but I can't go back and make things the way they were before.


"Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort..." Mosiah 18:9


Luckily, I'm not totally alone. I felt very alone for a long time, but I've found a community (or, rather, a few loosely connected communities) of men and women who have traveled similar paths as I have, or who are empathetic and sympathetic to those of us who have undergone a painful but necessary change. It sounds crazy, but these former Mormons get together on the internet and do really Mormon things, despite it all: they mourn with those who mourn, and comfort those who stand in need of comfort. I'm deeply grateful to these communities and to the friends I've made there. I'm much better off than I would be otherwise.

It still hurts more than I can say to find myself on the outside, despite my desire to fit in and be accepted, though. 

hi.

So I've more or less moved over to tumblr. I might still update this, sometimes, I guess?

Find me, somewhat more frequently, more political and less filtered and also with pretty colors and pictures of outside space HERE

If you're on tumblr, do let me know, and I shall gladly follow you!

here we go...

“What do we do with ourselves when we find we have failed to become the adults we dreamed [of] as pious children?”
From The Book of Mormon Girl: Stories from an American Faith  by Joanna Brooks





I want to start off by saying I am happy. Not in a “I’m having fun right now” sort of way, but in a “I’m in a good place, and my heart and mind are at peace” sort of way.

I’m not angry, nor sad, nor trying to take the easy way out, nor deluding myself.

But I am sorry. I’m sorry that I’m only half courageous. I’m sorry that I am starting out my defending myself, but I’m afraid to do this any other way. I’m sorry that I’m nervous.

What I’m getting at is this: I’m agnostic. I no longer attend the LDS church, and I haven’t for some time. I’ve been going to a Unitarian Universalist church, where I have the space and freedom to figure things out for myself and where I don’t need to believe in anything in particular nor act a certain way. I go to church with atheists and pagans, former Catholics and former Jews. Everyone is really nice and understanding, and everyone there wants to help make the world a better place. It’s kind of wonderful to see people from so many different backgrounds and different worldviews (although the common thread of being nontraditional in our beliefs goes a long way) get together to form a religious-but-not-religious community.

I have a lot of complicated feelings about the religion I grew up in, and at some point I had to accept that it was time for me to take a step back and take care of myself in a different space, because I couldn’t keep going on the way I had been for so many years.

I’m sorry that I’m the sort of person who keeps things like this to herself for a long time. I  don’t like to discuss things like my belief or non-belief because makes me feel vulnerable, and it makes me feel different. And I hate feeling so different. I’ve felt different my whole life, and it’s exhausting. It used to keep me up at night.

But it doesn’t keep me up at night anymore. I’ve accepted myself. I’m okay with who I am, and I don’t feel like my characteristics are something to be ashamed of. It’s an enormous relief. This change hasn’t been easy to make, don’t get me wrong, but it has been so good for me.


Please know that I’m not sharing this because I want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to tear down anyone else’s beliefs. I want all of you to be where you do best. Please accept that that place isn’t the same for all of us, even though most of us want it to be the same place.

My belief or lack of belief isn’t a reflection on anyone else, and I’m not doing it for anyone other than me. And I’m not all of a sudden super different from who I used to be. I’ll seem a little different, I’ll give you that, but a lot of it is because I’m finally settling into who I am.





One more quote from Joanna Brooks, because her memoir is amazing and everyone should read it:

“Courage doesn't mean being free from fear; it means learning to work through fear and speak even when we are afraid.”
― Joanna Brooks, The Book of Mormon Girl: Stories from an American Faith

valentine's day

I feel pretty lukewarm about Valentine's Day, but I do not feel lukewarm about poetry, so I'm using this day as an excuse.



Sappho of Lesbos
Poems translated by Anne Carson

[Eros Shook My Mind]

                                            Eros shook my
mind like a mountain wind falling on oak trees



[You Came and I was Crazy for You]

you came and I was crazy for you
and you cooled my mind that burned with longing



from [Some Men Say an Army of Horse]

Some men say an army of horse and some men say an army on foot
and some men say an army of ships is the most beautiful thing
on the black earth. But I say it is 
       what you love.


(From The Norton Anthology of Western Literature, Vol. 1)



E. E. Cummings

[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

 

 

(From The Poetry Foundation)

roll call!

Hey! I'd like to know who's out there. I have something to say (in a bit), and I'd like to know who my audience actually is. Weird, I know.
Thanks!

a bunch of kind of related thoughts about religion in the u.s.

I've lived in two very different states. In one, I was part of the religious majority, in the other, I was (am) very much in the minority. I guess this is why I think about religion and inter-faith fraternization or whatever so much.

In both states, I've seen how people react to and perceive those who believe differently than they do, and unfortunately, it's often not good.

Why do we do that? Why do we read picture books about getting along with each other, but grow up to deeply distrust people based off of what they do or don't believe?

Is it because we're scared of them?
Are we afraid they might convince us to believe like them (or not believe like them)?
Are we afraid they'll pick on us?
Are we afraid they'll call us out for picking on them?
Do we distrust them because there is no way someone who doesn't believe or believes incorrectly is a moral person?
Do we dislike them just because they're different?
Do we think they're angry and should be avoided?

What good does it do? How does it help anyone to sow discord between people of different beliefs? What do we learn when we ignore our neighbors who are Evangelicals, Mormons, Muslims, or atheists?

We don't learn anything. We  just shut ourselves up in our shiny little bubbles and feel cozy and familiar. And we hurt people who don't believe like us by giving them the cold shoulder, or worse, by actually being rude to them because of their difference of belief.

And that sucks. It really sucks. For all of us.

Some of the greatest people I've met believe differently than I do. They are welcoming, accepting, and kind. They appreciate and love people for who they are. I am grateful for these people.

I'm sure we all have people like that in our lives, and I hope that we can recognize how much of a blessing (from God/Gods/The Universe/Whatever) they are to us.


So...at the risk of getting too close to being preachy, I'll turn the time over to you, readers who may still actually be out there. What do you think of all this?

ouch.

I have nothing deep nor enlightening to say about the recent tragedy in Connecticut. My heart aches for the families who lost loved ones.

But I do have something to say about how our culture has reacted to the tragedy.

First, I have seen people blaming mental illness. As this article from Jezebel (trust me on this one; I know Jezebel can be hit and miss) states, that doesn't help anyone:
"We can't lump all people with mental illness together into one big "crazy" pot, it stigmatizes the ill and disconnects us, as a society, from their humanity.
Because there are so many mental disorders, we need to leave it up to people who can properly diagnose them to do just that. For those of us who can't — the diagnosis doesn't matter, the danger does. If we find out that Adam Lanza was schizophrenic, it just doesn't matter. We're not going to change the way we medicate all schizophrenics because of this. It's irresponsible to say, "He had this! Liza Long's son has this! People with mental illness are violent! Causation!" Two, three, ten people going on such a rampage — it's a bad indicator of an entire population, it's not statistically significant.
I agree that we need to talk about mental health in this country much more than we do, that our system is broken and must be fixed — but the fact is, most people with mental illness are much more likely to be victims of violence than perpetrators of it."
We all know people who have struggled or who are struggling with mental illnesses. How hurtful our finger-pointing must be to those who already live ashamed of their illness because it's been stigmatized.


Second, I have seen people blaming atheists. How would you feel if your own non-violent beliefs were blamed for atrocities? It would hurt. But people keep sharing videos about how all the bad things happen because The Evil Atheists took God from schools. Really? That's mean. I guarantee you know someone who is a nonbeliever. I have a lot of friends who aren't believers, and guess what? They're not violent people. They feel bad when tragedies happen, too. And when you blame them for taking religion out of schools and for making bad things happen to innocent people, don't be surprised when they start to pull away from you.

a bad romance

This happened.
And then this.
And this.
And then calls to repentance. And insults. And heartbreaking stories. And hopeful moments. And more insults. And more hope. And then threats. Violent threats, posted in public and sent to some in private.

Because of what this article says. And this one.

I'll be wearing pants to church on Sunday. I'm a little bit scared, and a lot tired.

I don't know what to take from a culture and religion that says "...he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; and he remembereth the heathen; and all are alike unto God, both Jew and Gentile." (2 Ne. 6:33) and "Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?" (Matt 7:16) and then turns around and says "we don't like you. How dare you be different? How dare you speak up? How dare you agitate?"

So there you have it. I feel strongly about Mormon feminism. I know most traditional members don't approve of that. I don't care. It's part of who I am, and it's part of who so many of us are. It's our world too.

And after the events of this week, I'm sorry to say this, but: if you disapprove or disagree with me, I don't want to hear it. I can't hear any more of it. Emotionally and mentally, I can't take it any longer.

One could say it's a bad romance.

new year's resolutions, a little bit early

• vegan. for like a month, just to try it out. better check out some audiobooks, because goodness knows I can't be counted on to read actual paper books before they're due back at the library.
• read more. because duh. reading is amazing.
• live out loud. I'm still figuring out what that entails, but it scares the pants off of me, yet I feel like it's worthwhile.
• utah. utah. utah. roll around in that beautiful red sand, hug a tree, hug a MOUNTAIN, swim in a lake. Utah, my first true love, I'm sorry I didn't realize it sooner, you wonderful state full of mountains and canyons and life. It is in the shade of your trees and in the cool waters of your streams that I feel most connected to this world, its inhabitants, and to the Divine. I will always regret taking your majesty for granted.
• jogging. turn it into running. I tasted the very beginnings of what it's like to enjoy jogging, and then I got a second job and it all fell apart. I want that feeling back.
• new vegetables. because it's fun.
• new friends. because fun/scary.
• hobbies. a return to photography and (eeeeek!) poetry. because I miss them so deeply. I daydream about finding my poetic voice and my photographic eye again.
• new cities. because chicago is only four hours away, and I deserve to be publicly shamed for not taking advantage of that fact.
• love. telling people I love them, even though that freaks me out, because I'm an introvert who doesn't like to touch people and daydreams about not having to talk to strangers for many days in a row. (O, what a dream!)
• movies. what is more incredible than movies? there are so many magical films out there. I want to see them all
• living. to feel all the colors of the rainbow in one's soul at once instead of the gray-ness that comes with the slog of a job you hate and those cloudy days that make you want to buy one of those fancy lights because you're pretty sure you have SAD because you grew up in the land of sunshine all year long.
• beauty. because I feel a thrill when I put something beautiful on the walls of my apartment. May I not just yearn for the beauty of the Motherland, but also come to appreciate the forests and the flat lands and the ridiculously large lakes of my new home in the Midwest. 

and you?

the holiday season

I could really do with less of this "war on Christmas" crap. You know where I hear about it? From Christians, complaining about the phrase "happy holidays." Newsflash, There are several holidays from November through January, not just Christmas. Everyone at least observes New Years and Thanksgiving, and a lot of people observe at least one other holiday throughout that time. An umbrella phrase to include all of them is not persecution. It's called trying to include people and get along.

Why do people even complain about being told "happy holidays" or "season's greetings" instead of "merry Christmas?" Is that seriously the worst interaction these people have with others? Because I would be thrilled if I got "happy holidays" instead of "you're so smart you should've been born a boy!" (Actual quote from a customer.)

But no. People have to get their pants in a bunch over this stupid made-up "war on Christmas" so they can act put-upon even when they're in the religious majority in the US.

Those people are probably the same ones who treat cashiers poorly because they have to get their cheap Christmas presents at the competitors price, and who don't care that their electronics were made with metals mined by people in inhuman conditions on the other side of the world. Merry Christmas, indeed.

You want to know why angry non-Christians seem angry? It's because they get blamed for everything that goes wrong in this country. Oh, there was a hurricane? It's because there isn't prayer in schools. Oh, a bank got robbed? It was those damned atheists!

Right. Because that makes sense.

Maybe instead of using "Jesus is the reason for the season" as a bludgeon in culture wars, we should start treating people who aren't like us like human beings worthy of respect.